A healthy dose of selfishness

To close off Women’s Month, I attended a women’s event which I found very insightful. What I found most striking was that we were a group of women of different ages, mostly unknown to each other, but for those few hours we spent together, it felt like we were bound together by a string of familiarity and sisterhood as we openly spoke about different things.

We explored topics such as mental health, careers, art, family, speaking up and creating joy for ourselves. It was quite refreshing to hear different perspectives from the different women and the laid-back setup with art as a medium created an atmosphere of peace and relaxation.

One idea that stood out to me was the concept of a healthy dose of selfishness which I’ve realised is very essential from time to time to get through life. However, its something rarely discussed openly because there is this unwritten rule that women are supposed to give and give and give without ever expecting anything in return, even if it kills them.

Prioritising yourself and just taking time out to do things for yourself is often frowned upon. How dare you choose to spend your time on “frivolous” things as a woman?

We watch the women around us give and give in every aspect of their lives sometimes to their own detriment, and we come to think that this is normal- how we ought to act. I’ve learnt that those who take have no limits; they will milk you dry, leaving you exhausted while expecting more. They will even castigate you for setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

It’s crucial to unlearn the things you have internalised and strike a balance between prioritising yourself while also being there for those you care about. Understand that the need for replenishment does not mean you don’t care- it’s self-preservation.

Sometimes, you need to go out there and do things only because you want to- live, visit places, enjoy yourself and heal your inner child. It really shouldn’t be that difficult but more often than not we find ourselves holding back a little because we think we have done too much. That instinct to be responsible is conditioned into us from a young age- the idea that we have to behave a certain way in preparation for some hypothetical family we might have one day.

Even in sibling relationships, boys are allowed to be more daring, to be more adventurous without much consequence because that’s what supposedly helps them grow into men- ‘boys will be boys’ as they say. Girls, on the other hand, are hardly given that room to just be, to fully discover themselves without it being tied to how that will impact their relationship with some imaginary husband who may or may not exist.

A healthy dose of selfishness also means saying no- and meaning it. You don’t always have to agree to things that make you uncomfortable simply because you don’t want to offend others. Have the audacity to stand your ground, and remember, you don’t have to be rude when doing so. You can set your boundaries respectfully without damaging the relationship.

Stop living in fear of what people will say about you- whatever you do,people will still talk. It’s better to do what makes you happy and if they talk, let them! Eventually, they will get tired and move on to the next topic.

How many of us have ever sat down with the older women in our lives and asked them what they wanted to be before the world imposed its idea of who they should be on them? How many of them carry that deep yearning in their eyes for something they feel is now too late to achieve all because they allowed the idea of altruism as the pinnacle of womanhood to be obtruded upon them? They often tell younger women to live for themselves, to do more for themselves, while they still have the time and opportunity- but also admire them for even having the liberty to do so while they couldn’t.

Finally, the crux of the matter is finding a healthy balance between duty and prioritizing oneself. The concept of a healthy dose of selfishness emphasises the right to live authentically, free from the shackles of perceived judgment or the fear of disappointing others. We can only be truly fulfilled if we live our lives in a way that allows us to replenish ourselves when we feel drained, rather than continuing to pour from empty cups because we have been conditioned to give without pause. By doing so, we not only nourish ourselves but also create a safe space to show grace to each other as women.